How To Support Someone Who's Grieving
“I know how you feel”
“You’re loved one is in a better place”
“Are you feeling better yet?”
These are some of the usual suspects in the list of what not to say to a griever.
Unfortunately, as my clients share their experiences, there are statements made, advice given and questions asked that set them back several steps in their journey. While the intent is never malicious, the effect can be devastating. As a result, a griever may retreat, in fear of further damage to them and/or their relationships.
Most of us have either been given misinformation or no information at all on processing grief. As a result, some of the things we say and do out of the best intentions end up being more harmful than helpful.
Once the damage is done, it leaves the griever on their own, with the burden of dealing with their emotions, figuring out why they feel hurt and then explaining it in a way that doesn’t make their loved one feel bad. That’s just much too much to put on a griever and it is understandably OVERWHELMING!
While there’s no forumula or specific steps to follow, there are some tools and information that can help. I hope these tips will spark a new paradigm for you on what it looks like to support a griever.
Understand that everyone reacts differently to loss. Don’t make assumptions based on your previous experiences. Instead, be observant and take cues from your loved one, friend or workmate. If you’re still not sure what to do, it’s ok to ask them what they need.
Don’t suggest they can replace the loss. It’s disrespectful to the relationship they’re grieving to suggest that by substituting the new (fill in the blank), that their heart will heal. It can actually be a distraction to Joe to find a new girlfriend too soon after the divorce and can interrupt his grieving process.
Refrain from platitudes. In the midst of grief, statements such as ‘they’re in a better place’ or ‘time heals all wounds’ can feel condescending and minimize a grievers experience. My reaction to a well intended friend was ‘Hell no, he’s NOT in a better place! A better place is here with me!!!’ Of course this was just in my head, and not knowing any better at the time, I stuffed it down along with all of the other emotions I was experiencing and unable to express.
Remember anniversaries. This can be tremendously helpful and heartwarming to a griever. These special days pop up and come with a host of emotions, including numbness. You especially DON’T want to be on the other end of a conversation about your amazing first date on the wedding anniversary of your friend and her husband who died.
Don’t let your discomfort with your loved ones grief dictate your actions. It’s perfectly ok to want to see your friend laugh and be her ‘normal’ self again. But what SHE needs is for you to allow her to take her time and process her grief at her own pace regardless of how uncomfortable that makes you feel. She’s finding a new normal and it’s not easy. Be a safe place for her to land for as long as she needs.