Three Words That Are Surprisingly Triggering for Grievers

“How are you?” The phrase seems innocent enough, right?  The natural question to ask when someone you care about is facing a challenge.  How could this be triggering?

There are several reasons why the phrase can cause angst, frustration, guilt, self-doubt, and a handful of other emotions. 

Reason 1:  While we are genuinely concerned when calling to check in on a griever, there is often a tiny thought in the back of our minds, anticipating the day when they say they are finally better.  Unfortunately, most grievers are aware of this and after several conversations where the answer is not ‘fine’, they feel the burden of making people feel comfortable with their grief.  Many times, instead of facing the constant disappointment of their loved ones, they begin to lie.  ‘I’m better, thanks for checking in’.  I remember grieving the death of my life partner and well-intentioned friends would call and ask, “how are you?”  After a lot of ‘I’m still so sad’, I decided to let my friends off the hook and just started replying ‘I’m better’.  What I really wanted to say is ‘He’s still dead, so I’m still sad!!!!’  But I felt that would be cruel and opted for the lie instead.

What kind of hit does a griever take in this sort of exchange?  It’s no fun and it’s yet another burden to carry on top of everything else their handling. 

Reason 2:  Knowing the answer to the question is not ‘fine’, sometimes grievers internalize the fact that their grieving process seems prolonged.  Instead of understanding their process is as unique as the relationship with the person their grieving, they see their prolonged sadness as abnormal. 

A griever who hurries their process to make others feel better or to force ‘normalcy’, is in danger of experiencing incomplete grief – where their emotions are not expressed, but instead stuffed away,   The emotions we stuff become the emotional baggage we carry into new experiences and relationships only to erupt at the most surprising and unexpected moments.  These emotions will be dealt with one way or another.  It’s best to address them earlier than later when they become intermingled with a host of other emotions.  This tangled mess can be overwhelming to work through and can result in getting stuck, unable to move forward in healthy ways through life. 

Reason 3: Grievers may decide to isolate instead of answering the question ‘How are you?’.  The overwhelm of deciding whether to answer honestly or lie can leave them immobilized.  Instead of choosing, they stop answering the calls. 

In isolation, they may fall deeper into the sadness which is now compounded with loneliness.  The result is often a feeling of hopelessness and an inability to see a way clear to healing their heart.  They will need intervention and the support of their loved ones more than ever.

So, the next time you call a griever, mix it up. 

·      Instead of the usual go to ‘how are you?’ perhaps you can ask ‘how can I help?’

·      Offer to just listen if they want to talk or sit with them if they don’t.

·      Ask if they want to share a story or some sentiment about their loved one.

·      Let them know you’re there for them and encourage them to take as long as they need to heal their heart.

·      If you think your loved one needs some extra support, please reach out to a grief specialist.