Returning to Self

I’ve been away from my blog for some time now.  Some of you may already know that I lost my Soulmate after a battle with cancer.  This wasn’t my first rodeo with grief but certainly my most challenging.  I lost my father just months before my love got his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.  My Mom transitioned some years before and then our family experienced a string of losses over the next four years. 

It didn’t seem fair that I would suffer such a deep loss after what I’d already endured.  In addition, HE certainly didn’t deserve this – he was a hero – a first responder on September 11th and the 3 months after the towers fell – breathing in the dust from recovering the bodies of the many souls we lost that day.  

If I didn’t already know, I do now – Life is not always fair.  I believe it ultimately works out for our overall good – but the journey is filled with winding roads, ditches, cliffs and other scary terrain.  I’m healing from the cliff dive I took when I lost the man I fell so deeply in love with, who became my best friend, confidante, protector, lover and a true source of joy.  We enjoyed a beautiful ride with an unexpected ending, but it does not take away from the deep love I felt for him and from him.  

With deep love, comes deep grief.  It has at times brought me to my knees, but the groundwork I laid with the inner work I’ve done over the years has paved the way for me to hang on, filled with hope that my life still has meaning and can once again be sweet.  I struggle some days to remember this, but through therapy, the support of family & friends and my willingness to explore the sadness, loneliness and plethora of other emotions, I am processing the grief to find my way to a healed heart… back home to myself… still in love with life.

Monet Cole